Most Overrated Topics in the US News

1. gas prices

You don't like the high gas prices? Too bad. You insist on driving the F-870 4x4 truck or SUV that gets 8 miles a gallon, won't take public transportation, and you want to live in the suburbs an hour from work and drive 15 miles out of the way for Starbucks every morning, so deal with it. Until I see you change your lifestyle and elect officials who are not bought off by lobbyists from the oil companies and auto unions (which is just about everyone), I don't have any sympathy or respect for your whining.

In addition, even with the recent increase in gas prices, the cost of gas, when adjusted for inflation, is the same now as it was in 1939 (click here). In the US, gas has been remarkably cheap for a long time, but instead of taking advantage of that and developing alternative fuel, all politicians, Democrat and Republican, have maintained the status quo and done nothing, while countries like Brazil have managed to figure it out.

No one cares that housing, college tuition, and health care is going up significantly above inflation and causing an economic divide in the US that will have far more of an impact decades from now than your cancelled trip to Yellowstone, but gas goes up 10 cents a gallon and all hell breaks lose (by hell, I mean a lot of whining but no actual behavior change). Go ahead and blame the oil companies, as that deflects the blame from you, the American who continually elects government officials at local, state, and federal levels who do nothing to remove our dependence on oil and put us in this mess. Legislators approved oil mergers that made this business a monopoly, and so many regulations exist that you and I could not start our own oil company down the street to provide competition and lower prices, as you would see in any other industry or product.

And stop this madness of comparing the cost of gas in different states- it is apples and oranges. Gas costs more in New York than in Montana because of state and local taxes added to the gas at the pump, so stop visiting me from out of state and commenting about how it is more or less expensive where you live. I don't care. So leave me alone while I run the car for thirty minutes to get the AC going.

2. al-Zarqawi killed

President Bush hailed the death of terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi as a "severe blow to al Qaeda," and an opportunity for Iraq to "turn the tide" against the insurgency that has plagued the country since the fall of Saddam Hussein's regime.

Yes, it is good news. Yes, it is an opportunity. No, it won't change anything. Iraq is still a mess, there are still no weapons of mass destruction, and somehow I think al Qaeda will find someone to take his place. Overrated.

3. gay marriage

Why are we talking about this? If I had to list the thousand biggest issues facing Americans, the inability for gays to marry and lack of legislation at the federal level to prevent would not only be behind assholes who own dogs that bark all night- it wouldn't even be on the list. I have friends who are gay, and I have no problem with it. But at the same time, don't tell me this is an issue so important that I need my elected officials discussing an amendment to the constitution.

Let's peruse the US Constitution: freedom of religion, no soldiers allowed in your house without consent, the right to face your accuser in court, abolishment of slavery, women's rights, and abolishment of gay marriage? Guess what topic doesn't quite fit in with the others in social significance?

If anything, it is a state issue. You want to be gay and marry, move to California or Washington. You want to be free of married gays, move to Idaho and Utah. Regardless of what side you are on, I don't want to hear it. If you are against gay marriages, relax: The fact Joe and Joe got married doesn't invalidate the quality of your infidelity in your third marriage. If you are for gay marriage, be reasonable: 95% of the world is not gay, so it stands to reason you will get a lot of resistance, and the fact Ted and Stacey in Nebraska think you are going to hell doesn't mean they are right- you can still love your significant other.

The real issue here, of course, is not official recognition of gay marriage but legal protection for companions. If the geniuses running the gay platform would tone down the marriage talk and focus on that, I think most Americans would support them and agree that two gays living together deserve the same legal protection of married spouses should one die, become sick, etc.

But you throw in the word "marriage" to a population that is 95% heterosexual and votes more for the next American Idol than its President and thinks "Deal or No Deal" is all about strategy, you suddenly have Ted and Stacey calling the local radio station and the President talking about constitutional amendments. My advice to gays: drop the marriage talk and focus on getting legal protection for companions, and be happy with that. As someone who is married, I promise- you aren't missing anything.

4. steroids in baseball

The only thing worse than Congress talking about an amendment banning gay marriage is any activity in Congress investigating steroids in baseball. I understand business and corporations are within their federal jurisdiction, and baseball is interstate commerce. What I don't understand is why anyone cares. We all know some of them cheated. It is a game. It doesn't really matter in life if your team wins or loses. You have no job, you have no health insurance, your brother is going through hell in Iraq, and all you can talk about is if Barry Bonds cheated? Get some perspective, already, and go watch the World Cup.

5. World Cup

I could write a whole blog on soccer, but for now, I will say this: The only reason it is the most popular sport in the world is because the rest of the world has no money, is unemployed, and has nothing more to look forward to in life than being able to blow off work and family for a month every four years and drink alcohol all day, chant songs, and watch el futbol (A similar but less intense ritual takes place in the US for five months every year, where men pretend to care about life by going to church for an hour on Sundays before abandoning the kids and wife to watch the NFL all day).

Why is the World Cup not popular in the US? Lack of money and the environment (safe transportation methods) to use it. If the rest of the world had our disposable income, highways, and technology, and they could travel freely and safely, they too would skip soccer to do more important things, such as go to the mountains or beach, watch Oprah, play video games, surf porn on the Internet, or write a letter to the local newspaper about banning gay marriage.

6. alligator attacks

Three fatal alligator attacks in one week in Florida. Cable news can't get enough of it, along with experts telling you how to stay safe. Call me cocky, but I am not too worried about it. The alligators in Idaho are very tame, and I think that is the case for the other 99% of the US.

7. sensational murders and trials

The Duke Lacrosse Team is accused of rape, a minister's wife is murdered... why is there a cable news show always talking about the young white girl who is missing or dead every single moment of the day? A girl disappears in Aruba in 2005, and they are still giving updates on it (and by update, I mean nothing new is presented). In the same way that I assume all black males are in jail or in gangs by what I see on TV, I am shocked every time I see a young white girl at the mall, because I assumed they were all dead, either at the hands of perverts or alligators.

Nancy Grace on CNN does nothing else but discuss these topics in true National Enquirer fashion (where did she come from by the way, and who was the marketing genius who greenlighted her show?). Larry King is right behind her with his reunion special on Elizabeth Smart. If you count new host Glen Beck discussing American Idol every night and laughing at his own jokes as he stumbles around the studio, the question begs to be asked: What the fuck happened to CNN? Remember when this was a respected news source? It now is just a mature presentation of MTV news, and I hate to say it, but Fox News is better right now (cnn.com though is still much better than foxnews.com).

Ted Turner agrees. Turner said recently that he regretted losing control of CNN, which he founded in 1980, to Time Warner after its merger with America Online. "There is an awful lot of superfluous news, the pervert of the day and someone that shot seven people," he said. "Who needs it all?'"

I grew up on CNN. There are still great people at CNN. Please put Ted back in charge before Rupert Murdoch gets Fox News in every airport and hotel, which is the last stronghold for CNN, and the only reason CNN has any relevance. Enough with the trials and stories that have absolutely no impact on my life or anyone's else's (outside of the people directly involved, and those people should be too stressed to be watching).

8. celebreties and babies

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had a baby in Namibia. Brittany Spears is going to do the same. In an interview with Matt Lauer on NBC Today, Spears said:

"Kevin (her husband) has always been a fan of African-American culture," she replied. "I'm sure he'll feel at home there, rapping with all the natives. Besides, there's lots of quiet unpaved roads where Sean Preston and I can go driving." Ah, yes. This helps explain why Wyoming is the hip place to deliver a baby- its high volume of quiet unpaved roads.

Spears also said that Namibia reminds her of California "because it's on the ocean and there's lots of sand. So if Sean Preston fell off his swing and landed on his head, there's less chance he would be hurt and we'd have those snoops from child welfare up our butts all the time."

I guess I am contributing to the problem by talking about this, but can it stop already? Why do Americans care about this?

9. Ann Coulter

Coulter has a new book out. In it, she argues that Democrats use messengers who get a free ride because of their tragic backgrounds, including four 9/11 widows who have criticized the war in Iraq. This actually is an interesting argument, and one that could be debated intelligently. Unfortunately, Coulter is not about intelligent dialog but selling herself, so she takes it to another level.

She wrote that Kristen Brietweiser is "Miss Va-Va Voom of 1968". She referred to the four women as "weeping widows", and the "Witches of East Brunswick". She asked "how do we know their husband's weren't planning to divorce these harpies?", and wondered "now that their shelf life is dwindling, they'd better hurry up and appear in Playboy."

My question to people is: Are you surprised? It is Ann Coulter. Enough said. There is nothing to see here.

10. Da Vinci Code

Putting aside the obvious responses on this controversy, which is Dan Brown's book is fiction (I was too young to remember, but did religious people get this upset when Planet of the Apes came out?), I don't understand what the problem is.

Jesus was married and had a kid, Brown says in the book. So what? I did too. It happens. If anything, this draws me closer to Jesus, because now I think on judgment day, after knowing I too was married, he will completely understand and sympathize with my sins, and I may have a chance of getting in to heaven.

Feeling secure?

I had a hard time writing this blog. I have no desire to undermine national security, but since I am not impressed with our national security, I felt compelled to speak. So, in a compromise that makes me feel I am not hurting anyone, I won’t use names of airports or museums. This allows me to speak out but still be the patriotic American that would make Sean Hannity proud (sort of like the guy who cheats on his wife on Tuesday but goes to communion on Sunday… it is all good in the eyes of God, right?).

I don’t travel much, but it doesn’t take much to notice what is going on, should you care to look. At one airport, every freaking time, they come after us wanting to wipe down our backpack because our Sony video camera set off the sirens, but this same airport lets you walk through the metal detector wearing shoes. In comparison, another airport pays no attention to the video camera but makes everyone, including the six-year-old, take off shoes.

I asked the woman who was managing the stripping of the shoes (she has a badge that says she is security, but I was skeptical): Why are my shoes allowed in airport x without a second glance but not in this fine establishment? Her response: “We can’t let the terrorists know what we are doing, can we? So we do it differently at each airport, to keep them guessing.” Oh, yes, this is certainly fooling them. There is no way one could remember that four hours ago he had to take his shoes off but was not forced to here.

If I, Joe Infrequent Traveler, has figured out in my four trips a year which airport checks for what, I have a sneaking suspicion that the unit that paid for jumbo jet training is going to shell out a couple of thousand in round-trip tickets to look for any patterns that exist in airport security… and avoid them.

If you haven’t visited Washington D.C. post-911, you are missing quite the show in security. For one monument, you go through a metal detector that security said (unsolicited, as they were worried about pregnant woman walking through it) is stronger than the ones at the airport. Putting aside philosophical questions over what is more valuable to protect, a granite structure that can be rebuilt or people’s lives 30,000 feet in the air, I kept wondering why a terrorist would even bother to bring the bomb inside the monument and risk getting caught by security. I mean, I know nothing about bombs, but if you can blow up entire buildings, I would imagine placing a backpack at the base of the monument would do the trick.

In each of the museums and government buildings (even the pathetically outdated and overpriced National Aquarium where security outnumbered visitors), including the food courts, you have to go through security and metal detectors.

I walked into one of the Smithsonian museums just after it opened that morning, and security obviously didn’t get to its Starbucks coffee yet, because they were not very alert.

Guard 1 (to Guard 2): “Did you check that lady?”
Guard 2: “What lady?”
Guard 1 (pointing to a woman): “That lady!”
Guard 2: “No.”
Guard 1: “Go grab her. She said you did. Check her bag!”

Meanwhile, as Guard 1 checks my bag, he complains that they don’t have the sticks they use to poke the bags without sticking their hands in, as it is common for terrorists to use mouse-traps in camera bags, and they don’t want to get their fingers snapped. I look up and notice Guard 2 just let the woman go on without pursuit.

Solid effort by security.

In one building there is a very popular food court in the basement, which most tourists don’t know about but the people who work in the building and nearby certainly do. My family (myself, wife, 6-year-old son) went there twice, on two different days, for lunch.

In full disclosure, I should reveal that if one were to profile my family, we certainly would be marked by computer software and pulled aside… if that software were tracking people who have never been involved in terrorist activities in the history of earth. But since profiling is very wrong and can never be done in America (it is just wrong!), we were stopped by security on both occasions.

Day 1: In addition to the bag and metal detector, I had to show my driver’s license, a new twist to the D.C. security screenings. After providing it, they let my family through to eat at Subway and a pizza stand.

Day 2: Remembering yesterday, this time I had my driver’s license in hand as I approached the checkpoint. I show it, and we start to walk away, but not so fast. Today, they call out to my wife to come back. She needs to show ID as well. Fortunately, I had my wife’s ID on me, or we would not have been allowed in that day… at least at that entrance. I secretly wanted to walk out and around to the other entrance and test my theory, but I was too hungry. I mentioned to the security female that my wife didn’t need ID yesterday to eat at Subway, but she wasn’t impressed.

On both days, they didn’t bother to card my six-year-old for ID, when he easily was the most obvious threat in the entire lobby, due to his pretending to be a Jedi in Star Wars, jumping around and making explosion sounds repeatedly and loudly. Of course, the reason they did not card my son is they were profiling and admitting that 6-year-old blonde-hair blue-eyed Caucasian boys of American citizens rarely are terrorists (at least outside of Montana). Despite the fact profiling is wrong (very wrong!), it seemed to make sense in this case, be more efficient, yet still accurate, as indeed, my son did not cause any destruction. Why strip-search the lad if he is very unlikely to be a risk, bomb-sounding noises aside?

The bottom line is that security is fooling no one with its inconsistent ways, and the whole point of federalizing security is to provide a high-level of standard that will protect us. I have no problem taking my shoes off, getting strip-searched, or reciting patriotic songs by Celine Dion- if it helps catch the bad guys. But if it does help catch bad guys, then why isn’t every security checkpoint doing it? And if they aren’t doing it because it doesn’t really work, then stop wasting my time by making me do it, because I am obviously not a terrorist.

If I were trying to hurt America, I would not bomb a building in D.C. that the average American cannot identify in a picture, other than to say it was in the movie Independence Day and looks really old.

I would instead do something that would really bring pain and anguish to Americans, like create a computer virus that would rig the American Idol voting, legalize gay marriage, take NASCAR off the air, or force Americans to eat less than 3500 calories a day. That is how you bring a world power to its knees- hit them below the belt in their sensitive areas.