Meeting New People

Last year I had a problem.

I wanted to spice up the social life with a new group of friends to supplement the current collection, but being married with a child and involved in many activities, I didn’t have much time to invest in the pursuit.

In an effort to streamline the process, and avoid the nightmare of making plans based on a conversation at a party only to find later that person was an idiot, I had an idea that a list of questions would determine quickly, at first contact, if a recruit was worth my time.

After several iterations, I was able to reduce the list to five questions, each chosen for their specific topic and insight revealed. In application, my plan has had much success. Now, in an effort to help others in the same predicament, I share the list with the public.

While some may think the questions are superficial and could not possibly determine compatibility, the fact is most do not want to discuss serious topics with people they’ve just met, and it is initially the superficial topics that determine whom we socialize with.

The rules are simple: Each correct question adds 20% to the odds of a successful compatibility match (note: this test can also be used to determine success in team activities, such as a project at work or a traveling ultimate team spending a week together in South Korea).

Good luck.

1. Do you have a wind chime in your yard?
correct answer: no
intent: identify social responsibility

Wind chimes are arguably the most heinous invention ever. Its intent is solely to provide unsolicited noise for a large geographic area, usually at the moment you want absolute silence (at night when you sleep).

It is unclear how society is able to legislate noise from barking dogs, house parties, or construction work, yet a person can do nothing about hours of hideous clanking and banging of metal or wood in four different octaves every night until one takes a baseball bat to the persons and item causing the disruption (not necessarily in that order).

How have we made it to 2008 without legislation banning wind chimes? I can’t add a covered porch to my house without getting a permit from the city, but I can have 16 wind chimes nailed to the fence so every neighbor within three miles can experience sleep deprivation. Anyone who owns a wind chime has a complete disregard for society and is not someone you should invest further time with. Be thankful you found out now.

2. Do you like Flight of the Conchords?
correct answer: yes
intent: identify sense of humor

FotC is a comedy on HBO about two musicians from New Zealand who moved to New York to make it big. Each episode includes a few songs that parody a genre or musician, with humorous lyrics related to the episode. The running gag in the series is that while the duo is completely incompetent in their regular lives, they are creative, talented, and confident in the fantasy music videos about their lives.

FotC is an acquired taste that requires the ability to watch an entire 30 minute episode, so this question also identifies if one has ADD or is addicted to crack cocaine (an added benefit).

3. Is the BCS good for college football ?
correct answer: no
intent: identify concept of fairness

College football, without question, has the most arbitrary and unfair system to pick a champion than any sport at any level in the civilized world except for Olympic sports involving judges.

In every sport, college or pro, no one really cares where a team is ranked in some arbitrary poll or computer formula- except NCAA Division I football subdivision. This is because every other sport understands that the media and its coaches do not have the time to watch every game and accurately rank teams (most submit their polls before the late games in the West have even finished), even if they were able to somehow put aside geographical, friendship, and conference biases (which no one can).

As such, everyone else tolerates the polls for friendly debate- and then resolves who is best by having a playoff system. The BCS resolves it by guesswork.

Many people want to dump the BCS, but many inexplicably want to keep status quo, as if it is some historical tradition that should be appreciated (it started in 1998). No other sport has its fan base asking for their current playoff system to be dumped and replaced with a process similar to the BCS. Can you imagine the NFL picking the top five teams in training camp in August and having it actually significantly determine who plays in the Super Bowl?

It is asinine, and if your social recruit is for the BCS, let him know that your computer rankings just came out, and he wasn’t selected (but ask him not to despair, because if your current top five falter he will suddenly be worthy again).

4. Do you believe in dinosaurs?
correct answer: yes
intent: reveal religious fanaticism

People who take the bible literally believe there is a conspiracy to mass produce fake bones that are then shipped to museums in an effort to brainwash people. Those same people call gravity a “theory,” even though no case exists of a person climbing out of bed in the morning and finding himself walking on the ceiling.

Combining a dinosaur believer with a religious fanatic is a relationship that will never work, because the forthcoming intellectual clash is inevitable, regardless of subject or environment. For example:

Todd: “I am sweating a lot playing basketball on this hot day. I better hydrate so that I may retain a proper water volume in my body to avoid headaches, dizziness, and possible death. What do you think Fred?”

Fred: “I think that is another example of the phony science machine brainwashing you so they can get your money selling useless water products to finance their orgies, drugs, abortions, and homosexual agenda, when that money should go to something important, like new carpet in the church. If you are thirsty, pray to God, and if you are worthy, his love will hydrate you. If you die, it was your fault for not having faith.”

You can’t cherry-pick science. You either believe in the process of gathering observable, empirical, and measurable evidence to support a belief and test that belief to determine validity, or you do not.

5. Do you smoke?
correct answer: no
intent: identify death wish

In 1966, the U.S. Surgeon General cautioned that “Cigarette Smoking May be Hazardous to Your Health”. In 1970, it was upgraded to: “The Surgeon General Has Determined that Cigarette Smoking is Dangerous to Your Health.”

Thirty-eight years later, when even the people who don’t believe in dinosaurs agree nicotine kills, an estimated 20% of Americans still smoke and about 90,000 die of lung cancer each year.

You don’t need to know why your potential buddy smokes, because there isn’t a reason that will justify it. If he is trying to quit, offer your support for that action, then excuse yourself and try the girl in the corner who likes to bungee jump- at least her death wish won't contribute to your early exit.